last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
