Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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