Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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