i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
