I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
