I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
A bitchslap is in order.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
