I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
