My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
