Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
