I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
