He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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