I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
so much tequila, so little girl.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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