Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She's like a pop up book from hell.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
