Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
