Where is the hickey?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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