i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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