when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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