Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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