I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
