Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
