If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
