my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
