I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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