I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
