I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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