I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
