I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
