maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
