I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
