he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize