In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
