i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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