I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
