don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
