STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
