I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
