so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize