My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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