Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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