I think I won the penis lottery.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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