"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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