onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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