You're my little dorito
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
