the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
