If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
