They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize