Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Houston, we have a squirter
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
