Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
