everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
