Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
