Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Did I show you my penis last night?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
