Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
