My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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