I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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