i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
