just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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